A month away from home

A month away from home

16th October, this date marked a milestone in my life; I’ve been away from home for about 37 days. So far this journey has taken me to Sydney in Australia, followed by Auckland, Napier, Hastings, Wellington & Taupo in New Zealand. Not counting the thousands of kilometres on planes and buses between places, from which I have witnessed beautiful snow capped mountains, rolling hills, sheep and cows. But if I were to sum it up, it has been a great 37 days. Not all of it definitely, but hey, everyone has their fair share of bad days, regardless of who and where they are.

There is one thing I learnt in this journey from God, that is He actually does provides us abundantly, just that we at times felt that “abundance” was simply not enough. However if you were to take a step back and think what you have on your hands, its actually enough but just that our current society somehow programs us to desire more and more, otherwise known as greed. But please don’t get it me wrong, I believe greed and desire is different, the latter is essential as its also part of our nature to desire something good, to desire meaning, life and all that is in. But how much is too much? One can argue that is subjective to the individual and its circumstances and background. Yes that is true, it can be a real thin fine line and that can only looked through the individual’s eyes.

So that is a short reflection of what I have experienced and learnt and to that I want to add another point: “Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all this things shall be added to you” Matt 6:33

Yes a biblical verse and linked to what I learnt earlier. To all my unbelieving friends, this is a verse that Jesus told his disciples to not worry about what they eat and wear, for if God cares about the birds in the air and many other animals, won’t He also care for you? Whom He dearly loves, as demonstrated by Jesus’s death and resurrection, from which our faith is based upon; our sins are washed by the blood of Christ, whom we confess as saviour & Lord. This belief results in the relationship we enter, in which we are told to obey the verse mentioned above, among others.

One of His kingdom principles is clearly love, and this journey has been marked by that. Everyday I consciously try to mark my actions and behaviour by love. For example, helping fellow backpackers with information, organising meetups, making people laugh, sharing about Singapore culture or teaching Mandarin & English (I can never imagine this but our education system enables us to). But not only I gave love, I received too. I could just give you one story in this entry, for now at least.

The first story originated in Auckland, the city of sails, biggest city in New Zealand, multi-cultural and multi-ethnic as well. It is here where I started my journey in New Zealand on 13th September. I met a 76 year old man from Hastings mid-week in my hostel. We entered into a conversation in the kitchen and from it, I discovered the kindness and love of this fine man; he actually offered me his bus ticket to Hastings. Why? Simply because he bought a car for his great-granddaughter, collected it in Auckland while he attended his primary school reunion and the 90th birthday of his aunt. Hence he had to drive it back and had an unused bus ticket. So yes I got a bus ticket for free when it would normally cost me between NZ$30-NZ$45. I will remember this simple act of kindness.

Some people told me that I shouldn’t always be so kind for there are people in this world that will take advantage of you and I might be in the losing end. There is perhaps some truth behind this but if you are acting in love, and really giving it, I think it doesn’t really matter. Love has its way of coming back to you, sometimes not from the person or organisation you gave to but from a 3rd party per se, perhaps as part of God’s design and also in His sovereign timing. That said, Love exists in many forms and there is one book titled”5 languages of love”, I can’t recall the author but a good friend told me the 5 languages are
1. Touch
2. Acts of service
3. Time
4. Tangible gifts
5. Words of affirmation

In short, you can express your love and/or receive love as one the above languages. For me, I express through touch, acts of service and words of affirmation and receive in the other two. However it doesn’t mean one cannot express and receive in the same language, i.e. you can both express and receive love as touch. I think this all do make sense and one can even learn to express or receive love in a way he or she never did.

The two learning points above is a fitting summary of my month’s experience. I ask myself have I realized that while I was still working in Singapore. But I think the truth is that life was so fast paced and hectic, that I really seldom stop and I mean really stop and reflect. I did it in sporadic times while I was extremely busy working but somehow the lack of continuity and consistency didn’t help me to realize certain important truths that God wants us to learn and live by it. Or perhaps the truths are just deeper in clarity now then before.

Yes there would still be people out there that will take advantage of you or me for their own personal gain. But that shouldn’t stop you for being what you are designed to be, creatures capable of love. As I faintly recall a song’s lyrics that go like this “everyone needs a bit of love”. But please don’t get all hyped up in killing yourself if there are bad days where you are completely not loving. Just remember on your bad days, God’s love and grace is still evident in your life, He never stops. Continue living, strive & desire for love, that is perhaps one thing where too much isn’t too much.

I shall end of by sending my regards to all my family & friends who I hope will eventually read this. Hope you all are doing well! Do keep me updated on your life via email =)

Thanks for reading, In His Love,
Eric

What you get when daydreaming becomes mediating?

I’m daydreaming in office, thinking about so many things, and at this juncture thinking about the difference between them!

Which is healthy? Is it healthy to daydream? It’s certainly not productive! Certainly not in my current context where I should be planning for an important work assignment.

But why oh why am I compelled to keep thinking about so many things going through my head, or rather daydream about it! Is there really a difference? Or is daydreaming part of the process of thinking? It certainly seems so! This has been going on for weeks or perhaps even months?

When daydreaming leads to productive thinking, there appears to be in increasing periods of reflection, constant reflection, certain theories or I would say “now what about this” moments keep popping up, and you keep thinking what they really mean. That combined with my curiosity certainly leads me to further explore those thoughts, in deed, in action, in conversations and in books!

One BIG thing on my mind which is perhaps on everyone’s mind too; LIFE. Yeah in big caps, oh the most common question, which is well a common ice-breaker too; “So what do you do” so what do you really really do? I mean you answer really with your occupation most of the time, or you try to be funny and answer with some strange answer that bewilders more than being humourous (crap, MS Word stop removing my “U”s! I’m trained in UK English not American!)

Ok that’s my lousy attempt of injecting humour in life. But really, what really do you want to answer that question? I mean it doesn’t have to be cool, but it just has to be an honest open answer that reflects you! How many of us live lives according to our beliefs? We read stories, watch documentaries, hear friends talk about people who go out there and live to what they believe. And we become the instant judgemental person, that person doesn’t have to work ah? Must be some rich kid? He or she belongs to the 1% or 2% of folks who can live that way, rest of us just fall into the majority trap of daydreamers rather than dreamlivers.

Woo another new word, or rather lame attempt of inventing a new word. But is life really lame? I have a friend who once commented on her facebook regarding something about an autopilot life. Work comes to her mind as well as I believe, many others and mine. Work work work, is the 3 utterance of words that a puny peon in the old Warcraft days would say. We can’t avoid it but can we make our better work choices? Oh wait, yet another judgemental saying; Oh come on! Face up to reality! How can we not work? Who is going to pay for my iphone??

Those people make their choices, base on what their beliefs so who are we to tell them they should face reality? As a Christian, I’ve known a friend who become a missionary after 7 years of corporate world because of what they belief in the Bible and how it compels them to live it out, be doers and not hearers. And as I read more of the Bible and reflect about certain passages, it increasingly seems 2000 years ago, God is already telling us to move away from this “World” or rather from evil, from humans who commit insane acts of wickedness, from humans who strive on greed, from humans who incessantly crave for power, for people who don’t care about other people’s feelings or thoughts etc etc. But who are we to judge these people too? Can we? We are perhaps people who do small acts of wickedness and seem to applaud ourselves for it! Oh we aren’t that bad!

On Wednesday a friend brought me to a food #03 (Thanks Grace for inviting), a community kitchen that aspires to educate people on vegetarian and macrobiotic diets. One way is that they host dinners, which of course you have to pay. But for $25 you get to taste a 3 course macrobiotic meal and I’m telling you, it’s delicious! I have made healthy recipes and food but this is another ball game I tell you. Certainly one to continue exploring! In addition, during this event, there was also a guy (sorry I can’t remember your name) who started, I believe, a non-profit group named “Grounded-up initiative”. Its aim is to promote real corporate social responsibility, authentic ones, not the façade or superficial for media press showey type. It also aims to educate the public about awareness for nature and how we humans are responsible for the many calamities that we have caused. 3rd, it also brings aid to places who need aid, direct, door to door and with none of the media clippings that we often see.

“Don’t be like the Phrarisee that publicly shows his generosity, I tell you, he is just a hypocrite” (paraphrased from my understanding) This guy isn’t a believer but I see him acting as one! Good works do not earn us salvation, but I don’t think that should stop one from doing it! It is perhaps for us believers to stop being hypocrites and partner these folks and do these good works! They do it because they believe its worthwhile! It’s the right thing to do. They are shaped by their beliefs, they act it out despite the difficulties. And if were to partner them with the love of Christ, wouldn’t it be an awesome combination?

But someone will say, "You have faith; I have deeds."
Show me your faith without deeds, and I will show you my faith by what I do. James 2:18

We have an awesome God, a God who is full of mercy, grace, love and He has gave us a Son, who we can look, constantly look, focus on, for He is the author and finisher of our Faith. And as I mediate on the verse above, perhaps James is saying “ These people are doing good works, let them do it, I’ll also do good works but with the source which is in Christ, with His love that compels us to do, that is the better way, because His grace is sufficient! His love is overflowing! So if as believers have a better way and we see these people doing good works and we don’t respond to it, doesn’t that make us mere hypocrites? Doesn’t it make us lame?

IIs the system at fault or is the human at fault or both? Should we put all the blame on the human and not on the system? Or is human sin the origins of all? But Jesus is the Judge, and He will judge everyone. God’s wrath is perhaps already evident ! We have global warming, freak weather, floods, Tsunamis, earthquakes, global recession, people sueing each other for mistrust of money, huge imbalances and living in Singapore is actually contributing to all of this, in micro ways that I cannot imagine. I’m not generalizing that all bad things that happen to humankind are a result of God’s wrath, but well some of it could be judgement? If God is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow, it would mean the God of the old testament in which we see many judgements, would be the same God we worship now! So yes, I believe it is in His character to judge, as J.I. Packer says in his book “knowing God”; God is just, it is nature, He chooses to reward good with good, evil with evil. However it is His choice, not ours, can He choose to punish us? I believe so! But again, it is His choice, His sovereignty. We could say that he doesn’t but that would mean it is part of the gift of Grace, perhaps also out of His other character attributes like Love. But can we truly live lives apart from all this?? Is it possible? Or we do really need to wait on the promise of God that there will be a new earth and heaven. And Jesus will wipe away every tear on our faces; there will be no more weeping, no more pain. Everything will be made perfect in His time. Indeed, those are promises that we cling on to, that we hold on and eagerly wait upon. But as we wait, we still need to deal with lives, deal with this World. For in it, there are perhaps already enough warning signs showing that human greed, consumerism, all its systems, new or old, its reliance on power which can crumble easily. I mean we have seen so many bastions of power shift, from Egypt to Genkhis Khan to Alexander, to the Romans, to the British, American and now China? Oh yes it matters, but it will all fade away. So why bother pursuing it? Or rather is it the excessive pursue of these that we shouldn’t do?

On the other hand, do we not see the efforts of these systems? This “necessities”, I mean these “powers” and “systems” were also based on dreams! Bill Gates had a dream so that I now have Microsoft word to type all these thoughts even though my company bans access to blogs! If he didn’t popularize the personal computer, would the early day internet evolve to what it is today? Imagine we didn’t have Google or Youtube? Oh the horror! Imagine we didn’t have the Wright brothers? I woudn’t be able to visit Europe! Oh humans have to strive for innovation, we need entrepreneurs, we need new ideas, new products, we need to borrow more! More!! An insatiable appetite, makes us look like barbarians?

So then how do we deal with these matters? That is the question. Do I start by typing my resignation letter? The world isn’t going to change tomorrow, or will it? I do not know, perhaps more to mediate on, more to dwell on but for now, it seems we have to continue to live in it, deal with what it throws at us, and I don’t think ingenuity should be sacrificed here. Itself is a valuable aid to the many “convenient” things that we have now. But perhaps in all these things, how do we still present ourselves (bodies) holy and acceptable, to worship God in body and in truth? My mind is a blank here, perhaps doing good works and volunteering is one of those. Only questions, old answers have to be tested for validity, for relevance, for dissecting. The Word of God, as written will stand against all this, it is also said we need to test and approve everything against it. In other words, discernment, and with that we need knowledge, feelings, emotions, all combined to enable us to discern effectively. Perhaps that is how we deal with it and perhaps that is why the verse speaks “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom”. Indeed, as we live in this world, we need to fear the Lord who made it, we perhaps will have wisdom to know His ways, His statutes, His will, and along with it, how to live out our lives on this temporal home. Admist what these world influences us, fame, power, money, big houses, electric cars, exotic holidays, exploration, marriage, kids etc etc.

If not, we shouldn’t be believing in His Word in the first place, but at this time, this book of truth seems to ever more relevant in our times. It ever seems to be more applicable. Perhaps the world in which it was written (by inspiration from the Holy Spirit) isn’t much different from the current one we live in. The only difference is perhaps a greater manifestation of the evil, problems and sufferings. That is one promise as mentioned above and I mention it again, and ironically it is one summed up by a favourite line of many beauty contestants: “World Peace”. Yet more to think on, more to mediate, more to seek, more to knock, more to ask. One thing that is perhaps sure, it will be a painful long process, despite all our comforts, material and immaterial.

“And there will be no more pain, no more suffering and there will be a new Heaven & new Earth”

Love,

Eric

A part of me


that I sometimes hate.

Today was perhaps one of my many life's dissapointments, I failed my 1st driving test at Ubi test centre. After which many people, from family to friends and colleagues all said something close to “Its ok, most people don't pass on the 1st time, some 2nd, some 3rd or even more” try again and you will pass!

Its funny how I sometime say that other people who failed in other stuff, perhaps a good example is modules in NTU, or the more famous word “Ta Bao” try again, try harder, do more and u will make it. Of course people have said these to me before, and yes I try harder, put in more effort and I do pass, though at times i don't and “ta bao” a 2nd time.

However, this time it felt so different. The only reason in my head now is that I believe I prepared well for it, went for extra circuit, ran through the steps in my head, prayed, told myself to keep cool, be slow and steady in the circuit. I seem to do everything right BEFORE the test but when at the actual test, my nerves got the better of me, followed by a culmination of mistakes, dampening my confidence and just as i thought i regained, i made another mistake.

So bam, i felt so undeserving to pass, let alone muster courage to ask for “favours” from the tester. All i could mutter was “but I avoided the kerb the 1st time”, but futile, it wasn't the only major mistake I made.

All I felt was anger at my own foolishness, my own inability to control my nerves, to handle the pressure, to regain composure. Everything went wrong, or at least it felt, or at least the wrong outdid the right. And every mistake I made, I made before, corrected by my instructor and then practice it again.

This is the part of me, that makes me sometimes really hate myself; When I know how to do something right and actually done it right before, learnt from the mistake but yet commit the very same mistake at the crucial moment. Why? I asked myself and I just can't seem to find the answer. Just sadness and more anger.

I have recovered from previous failures in life, and somehow that actually has been my life, dotted with failures but also comebacks from them. These has made me stronger but somehow at this stage, I ask myself “shouldn't I stop making mistakes and get it right the 1st time?” I should have grown wiser, smarter to know how to cultivate the attitude and aptitude of getting things right the 1st time. After all, that is, at least to me, what Singapore's famous education is suppose to innoculate in us. And it is this very same thing that frustrates me, part of me is prone to mistakes and this is part of my learning process but another part of me wants to get it right the 1st time. The latter is of course perhaps what everybody wants to achieve?

Perhaps somehow somewhere in me, is just tired of making mistakes, but just want to do it right the 1st time. Perhaps because learning from mistakes is the hard way but ain't we all programmed that way? Is this a neverending struggle?

I don't know, but the feeling certainly isn't great, it still irks me although I know I really need 2 get over it but I can't, not at least 4 today. What abt tmr? Tmr isn't necessary a better day or perhaps I need 2 take things lightly? But I have been!! thats why i told myself to relax and trust my instinct.
But alas, 2 remind me again of my failure and the subsequent sadness.
How long would it be before I put this behind me? Move on, learn from it and do better, that is what I have been doing my whole life! ERIC get it over!!!!!!

I can write but somehow, the usual response isn't triggered, its that “I'm not myself” feeling, I know it but i'm not doing anything abt it. Why is affecting me so much???? i have no idea, I wish it could just happen like in a soccer video game, press restart and play the match again and make sure u beat that opponent!

That opponent is myself, not the car. Has this incident triggered something else in me? Perhaps i just need time and stop thinking abt it.....the more I write, the more upset I get, i think i better stop.
At least this avenue to vent out your feelings and thoughts is still here, perhaps to whoever reads this can give some timely advice. But a 2nd entry of the year, in like 6 months, the negative side of me tells me, “whos going to read?”, the +ve side says “someone who cares” but who?

I-Robot

well my 1st entry of 2008. So Happy New Year to all who reads this :)

but well this isn't just a well wishing message but rather on life, or rather perhaps even a reflection of my life from 2007?

Its been 3 mths + since I started working after graduation. So well the 1st half of the year was slogging through FYP and final semester exams, and now? slogging through work.
Besides this similarity, work is much more stressful than studying!! ohh that famous statement passed down by seniors suddenly makes so much sense "enjoy ur school cos when u leave, you are entering a different world'

So to all my juniors: the same goes for u :P

But then how is all this related to the title of this entry? I-Robot?
well I'm starting to feel like one. Not so much work itself (which is not exactly mundane but can be boring at times) but the routine of getting up in the morning, putting on that ironed shirt, taking that bus (or taxi) to work. Sitting down on my desk, doing my autocad drawings, listen to client's demands blah blah

Its starting to feel more than just a slog but a routine...like a robot programmed to act upon pre-set commands

or is that just really life after sch?? I worked for abt 6 mths in Chevron for my Industrial Attachment, back then, it didn't feel this way that much. But perhaps my IA wasn't as stressful as my current job; when u add deadlines, pressure, other colleagues' problems that u have to solve, and the unfamiliarity of the nature of work, akin to jumping into a deep blue sea and painfully looking over the horizon for a life buoy!

I-Robot, ticking like a Robot, with the only emotion released is frustration and anger. But wait, Robots don't have emotions, at least not yet!

So well A human encased in a Robotic uniform, I think that analogy is far more convincing. So well, what do u do?

1. u deal with it
2. u don't

I think its rather simple but very difficult in doing it!! or at least u wont get it right the 1st time. At least I know, I will perhaps not stay in this industry in future. or perhaps even not so in the next 3-4 mths when my contract ends.

and then the other tough part, how do u break the news to the one who hired you?
think simple? "this is not my cup of tea but I am grateful for giving this opportunity, thanks for letting me learn many things in this period. I wish you future success"

that simple? I think so but saying it is another different matter

So well life has to go on but how robotic will it be? its perhaps up to you to find out. After all, we humans really do have many 'robotic' actions or behaviours.
We are pre-programmed to sleep, to eat, to be angry, sad, happy, frustrated etc etc
just that thing that stands us out, the ability to choose when to be all this.

So if the time for change has come, then I have to seek it, with lots of action.
So 2008 looks like a year of discovery or as clique as it sounds "the search for meaning of life" and how does work and life comes together, the inter-twined relationship, and if there are truly ways to marry them together.

just got to remember 1 thing, the learning attitude has to be there! just got to find how to link it with my heart! my passion! my zest! (if there is one haha...)

still only 25!

Its that TIME of the year

"No its not Christmas nor the new year but its the time of reflection"

ok my rather lame attempt at a philosophical statement. But hey, theres some truth to it! after all ppl DO reflect on the past year and the year ahead. At least I do! and ppl make resolutions too! fulfilling them is another matter heh. But well to me, its also a form of planning, have some overall goals that u want to achieve. Kinds of set u up in a way i reckon.

So well 2007 has been a very challenging year, i remember my resolution at the end of 2006 was to graduate in june 2007, not to stay back for an extra semester which i was afraid of...and now looking back, I've done that! and been working for close to 3 mths.. thats like one of the most impt stuff? or at least at that point in time.

Moving on to 2008, resolutions include passing my ippt!! and I hope to get my driving license!! I've passed my basic & advanced theory in the past 3mths(thats a bonus! haha...)

So now for the practical lessons. And if i get my license, my sis said i can drive her car!! woohoo but have to pay for the petrol...which is a bomb...
but well at least i know i won't be driving often since with my current pay, theres no way i can support a car.

next for 2008? get a new job, yeah, my current job is a 6mths contract. And well I'm already considering looking for greener pastures. Sth that is more enjoyable, more fun and more aligned with my interests. Although I'm still learning stuff every other day.

Finally, maybe a GF? yeah that is just so elusive...I remember I told myself that i'm totally useless when it comes to wooing gals although some of my frens beg to differ...which I totally don't understand. How so?? I'm STILL SINGLE and nowhere close to a playboy. But well they are just pulling my leg.(I figured)

So well 2008 comes in exactly a week. And well out with the cliche. Just get on with 2008. Au revoir 2007!

Fragility of Life

14 Sep, thats the last date I blogged. 1.5 mths later comes another. And this time, the reason? the loss of someone I knew, Poh Boon San, one of the 5 who died in the dragonboat tragedy in Cambodia.

Although I don't know him well but through a mutual friend Wilfred who is very close to him as they were fellow dragonboaters in NTU. He was also in the same course, hence all these created that connection and hence I can empathise with the loss of Boon. Indeed sadness has prompted me to write this.

Fragility, yes a fellow graduate of NTU, same batch, same course. Yet barely 6 mths later and He has left us. How more fragile can life be?

I do not have much stuff to write abt, whats there to write abt sadness? but only extending my condolences to His family and friends. In addition, perhaps the positives we could take out is that i'm pretty sure Boon always did his best, his spirit of perseverance will live on and will remain in our memories.

Farewell my friend.

and so my 26th year has begun

Dong... the clock has struck 15 mins past midnight, and no, my shoes are safe with me.
ok just me being cheesy haha...ok lame...

Oh well, it is 14th September, which marks the end of 25 years and the beginning of my 26th year on this planet called Earth. In case they are aliens reading this through some next gen internet accessed via the big wide vacuum. ok lame meter just reached 100.

So well Happy Belated Birthday Eric, the next stage beckons, the stage where i go out and work, learn new stuff and strive for a good life. but what is a good life? well that itself deserves another post, on another day. So being the youngest and only son in my family, the responsibility of "Guan Jia" will become more evident. My mum recently said that once i start work, I will have to spilt the electricity bill with my sis, bills will be part of it, but there will also be other aspects; more to come!

This is also a time of reflection, looking back and also forward. What have I achieved? a degree but have i matured? I don't think so, still so many things to learn, to experience, to rationalise, to analyse, all the pressures of life, which I can't run away but can only deal with it. After all past running did me no good so I can only learn to deal with what life throws at me. Then maybe I'll be mature although I think the state of maturity will always change, as life does, as our planet does.

so the past 25 yrs flew like a speeding plane, will the next 25 be even faster? I hope not...what would the next year be like? where I will work full-time, longest ever since my industrial attachment. Well I believe with God's grace, I'll be able to cope. Life has taught me to be positive and optimistic. It will be a good year, a stepping stone for what lies ahead, be it career, non-material needs, dreams, friends, family etc. and so my 26th year on earth begins. Glory to God